The other day at my new primary doctor’s initial appointment, while going over my medical history and medications…

Dr: I see you take Miralax, Colace, Metamucil, Fiber One, (something prescripted) (something prescripted) and Calcium.

Me: Mmhm.

Dr: Do you have any constipation?

Me: (Eyes crossing back and forth) (Trying not to be fresh) It can go either way.

Dr: And do you have any blood on your stool or when you go?

Me: (too far) No, it comes out smooth like a fucking whistle.