It was just meant to be an innocent passing of gas. As I’ve told you, I had taken stool softeners; the maximum amount to assure delivery. Anyhow, I had finally convinced my middle child to drive to the other side of town for my $2 bag of cucumbers and all was fine until I felt my stomach gargle.

Gently leaning towards my child, I thought I was just having a bit of gas when I realized I’d made an error. At that point, we were halfway to the other side of town and to turn back would have caused me greater angst.

Pleading with my middle to run into the market whence we got there was futile. She was having none of it and I had to make a quick decision: call my mother or take my chance that my kid would go inside for me.

As my mother joined us en route to the market, I realized that perhaps the shart I experienced was not as bad.

Noticing the bag of dry cleaned shirts in the trunk, I told my daughter to give me her sweatshirt and put on one of her father’s shirts, so that we could at least venture to the outside portion of the store, while my mother was inside buying produce.

*Things to note: the entire car ride middle was hysterically laughing and her movements were labored.

Carefully, I climbed out of the car to examine the damage and as I thought, not as bad. Together we were walking towards the flowers- me legs crossing over one another carefully… when I noticed my child try and “tie a knot” in her father’s newly dry cleaned shirt. With one hand trying to get her attention, (as the other hand secured her sweatshirt) she couldn’t stop laughing at my gait, that she informed me she was currently urinating.

I tried my best to “freeze” in the oh shit position… but it was to no avail.

Needless to say, I’ll be paying full price for my wares from now on.