What a day. Twice my mother picked me up to go to our local hospital to have two separate doctor appointments- one in the morning and one in the afternoon.

Unfortunately for me, I am not regular– therefore, I had not yet delivered the kids to the pool. This information is critical, as I was visiting the ass man in the afternoon, which is when my large intestine decided to wake the eff up.

Dr: I’m sorry I kept you both waiting. It’s been a hell of a day.

Mother: Oh yeah?

Dr: Yes, emergencies after emergencies. So, how are things going?

Me: I mean, it’s still there; I hate Metamucil so there’s that and it’s not really better.

Dr: Are you eating foods with Fiber?

Me: Yes, but I’m not really regular.

Dr: Well, why don’t we have a look?

At this point, I need to clue you in to some tidbits. This room was quite small and thus, the table that I was to now mount, was literally on top of my mother’s knees. Say wha? Yeah, that close. Which meant, I would be putting my head in her crotch.

Dr: Well, it seems that it is not better yet. Now, I’m going to cauterize the area; its going to burn- but first, I’m going to need you to push, as if you’re …

Well, he couldn’t get me to push for a million dollars, for if I just unclenched my ass, I would have flown around the room.

Me: Did you do it?

Dr: Yes, you’ll feel the burn.

Me: It isn’t burning.

Dr: Give it a second then…

Me: Okay. Not burning; are you sure you did it?

…Needless to say, it seems as if nothing’s gonna get me down.