The other day I picked up my son from Hebrew school fifteen minutes early. Since they have a strict policy on picking kids up early, I told the narish security guard that I had a doctor’s appointment that I had to get to.

Noticing him eyeing me up and down, he then proceeds to say:

Dick: Oh! What are you having?

Trying not to kill myself in the synagogue, I replied:

Dying: Tumors.

My son was immediately brought down and we left. Clearly I will be going back on a diet with what little time I’ve left.