Well, like I knew, working a 14 hour day has added insult to injury. All day I stayed in bed, unable to move.
You see, I know what I can and cannot do- yet, I allowed external influences to gently persuade me otherwise. I didn’t want anyone in my office to think that I was going to allow my cancer to take me away from my duties. Anyway, even with leaving work one hour earlier, it didn’t make a difference. It’s being “on” and upright that is the problem.
Now, when I say I couldn’t and still can’t move… I mean “bend.” For example, I am finally able to move my fingers. Fingers? Fingers. My hands have something called, Neuropathy. Basically, that means, they have an awful feeling like being “asleep” or lately, just unable to bend. I cannot even attempt to make a fist. Typing- no. Texting, no.
My arms can’t raise from being by my sides to above my heart. Say wahh? And my legs, well, at my knees, they cannot bend and at my crotch joint, they hurt to move from “legs together.” Imagine laying in bed, knees up. Now, imagine either of your legs in the “up” position, want to fall onto the bed (right leg goes right; left leg goes left). Mine can’t move more than 10 degrees before the pain from that joint gets me. Kinda like having a Charlie in your leg and that cramp not easing up.
I knew today would be bad, but not all day in bed, crippling.
So when colleagues ask how the evening meeting went, it hurt me.
Yet, I wonder again, if I looked more like her, if I’d be gently persuaded to perform the task?