So here’s the thing, and I can understand now, why things are said.
This evening during my friend’s shiva zoom, while one of her colleagues was sharing a story, she mentioned that other colleagues were shocked to hear of her passing. She had been working remotely thanks to Covid and Cancer up until the week she died. In fact, I’d spoken to her when she was working and she had sounded great then. But they were shocked that she was so sick that she died. And the person sharing the story said, “I think because she was still working up until the week she died and seemed so vibrant, people didn’t realize how sick she was.”
Since going back to work in a building, my body is in geriatric mode. That means, when I am physically up and about… whether up and down from a chair or up and down the room, my legs get sore real fast. Actually… my core gets sore real fast.
Everything hurts basically from my bones in my ass down. When I walk, I shuffle. After more walking, it feels as if I am walking on just bone.
Vomit, I know.
So, hubby got me a scooter like the ones you’ll see in the market. I have only used it once while at work for I am embarrassed to be seen in it.
,The other day, I could not just “wait” in my room for someone to make a copy of something for me and I have the scooter for a reason, so I got on it. The first person I saw looked horrified and wondered “what happened?” The second person I saw asked, “did I hurt my foot?”
Until this evening, I just thought to myself, cancer happened you x. I thought they must assume that I am well.
My sister reminded me that it is because I am posting all the time my 8 mile a day bike rides (which have stopped since going back to work has caused leg pain). Plus, I look great- I have a great tan, long hair, and I am working.
I am no longer upset over the comments and stares when I was seen joy-riding the hallways. What does bother me however, is that the sympathy and awareness that goes with what everybody thinks cancer looks like, isn’t there for the ones who look like me.