Today was the first time my oncologist was just “meh.” Maybe it was because she hadn’t eaten and she was over an hour late- or maybe its just because my prognosis is no longer sounding hopeful.

I’ve never understood probability as clearly as I did today. For example, the concept of likely vs. unlikey is really hard to understand- or at least, was. You see now, I will likely have more and more Brain tumors. They are here now so the chances are, this shit is going to be here for the long haul. Had this been some fluke- some crazy phenomena, then it would be considered unlikely.

Additionally, while just a few days go it seems zapping would be suffice, it’s possible and probable, it won’t be. Now, certainly new medication will hopefully play a factor in all this- and then of course there is the positive state of mind one needs to have in order to manage the obstacles- but in short, it’s all up to likelihood.

As a ps: just a quick week ago I had discussed with my psychiatrist coming off of my anti anxiety and anti depression pills- for my lungs were cleared and I was feeling great. In fact, it was she who said, “you have stage 4 metastatic lung cancer and there are definite hurdles and emotions that go with.” To which I simply persisted, “yes, but I am fine now.”

And in a blink of an eye, I’ve gone from high hopes to likelihood.

About Lady in Red

mom of 3
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