My children are all fucked up. One child walks around (only to grab food and go) in all black- same outfit for weeks- the other, hair a mess- short shorts so that I can see her pipik- singing the entire album from Hamilton (forwards and backward) as she roams for food to take to her room…. and then there is my son- walking around in the same too small jammies with bedhead- calling everyone in the house “noobs,” thanks to some youtube loser named Felipe. So, as I was saying, they’re all fucked up.

Today at the breakfast table- subsequently the first day anyone sat for breakfast before 3pm, I said to my child in black…..

Me: you have to shower!!! you cannot wear the same outfit for days!

Kid: have you changed your outfit in the past two days?

Me: bitch, we’re talking about you.

Kid: and while you’re at it, you need to shave …everywhere.