This evening, while I was sitting at the dinner table, I noticed how firm my new stomach was and made a sad face. Both of my daughters caught wind and one of the idiots said,

Kid 1: Mom, at least you’re alive.

Me: Oh would you all shut the fuck up already!

Kid 2: (laughs uncontrollably)

Hubby: (enters room) What’s all the laughter?

Kid 1: Mom told me to shut the fuck up because I said its ok if she’s fat.

Hubby: Oh please! What are you? A buck twenty-five?

Me: What are you stupid? I was 158 when we left the doctor’s office- don’t you remember?? I cried! I’m probably 170 by now.

Hubby: That’s impossible- you’re 5 feet!

Me: Yeah, well!

Hubby: You fat fuck! You better be careful, you’ll get Diabetes next!

So there you have it… the roles are reversed and I am too heavy to give a shit.