Today began and ended with mounds of shit from my elderly, yet still eating dog. It started with a text from hubby that said, “I think I got 99% of it- you’ll just have to scrub some spots.” And by some, he meant, every fucking place she shat. As you can imagine, that set the tone of the day.
After scrubbing on my hands and knees- certain that I got every paw print embossed in shit- the way a forensic scientist might at a crime scene, I decided to text back something to hubby.
Hours had passed and hubby arrived home with the order I placed.
Hubby: $107?? What did you order?
Me: I got what you told me to.
Hubby: Where is my order?
Me: I know I asked for it; maybe he didn’t hear me.
Hubby: Two orders of falafel???
Me: You said the kids wanted it!
Hubby: Are you that hungry? Two orders of gazpacho??
Me: You eat it don’t you?
Hubby: Hi, nice to meet you… I’ve never eaten that and I never said both wanted falafel. Don’t act like you’re brain dead (mistake #2 today). And two orders of pasta- how much was that waste?
Me: I don’t know, maybe $13 or $17??
Hubby: You do know that a box of pasta costs $1! You are never ordering again. Did you think that was normal to pay that much for a bowl of pasta??
Me: I didn’t see a menu…
Hubby: You could bet that will never happen again.
Me: We order from there all the time- I don’t know what it cost, but I didn’t see any prices because I called the restaurant and just ordered!! He didn’t spat off prices!
…To which my ass decided to chime in… Taps style.
With that, hubby walked out of the house in disgust, my two daughters ran from the table and that’s when I smelled it.
Daughter: Mom! Did you shart again??
Me: (sniffing the air) No- I didn’t shart!
As the yelling stopped, my senile dog decided to exit her bowels stage left- after rubbing her leg throughout the pile, as she tried to get her shit ass off the floor. My daughters excused themselves for one urinated in her pants from excess laughing and the other “just cannot,” and I was left alone in the shit storm.