The other day I had a doctor’s appointment. I was told that there would be several “check points” for screening- and that not to worry!

Since I have tested negative for the Bubonic Plague and I have no fever, the first check point let me through.

Next, I had to get my temperature taken- and again, I was now free to contract any living diseases along the way to my appointment.

After I got off the elevator and to the office, I tried to pull the knob with my shirt.

Me: (Knocking)

Secretary: (Mouthing to me) We’re not seeing patients.

Me: (Knocking) I have an appointment.

Secretary: I’m sorry- we’re not seeing anyone today- you’ll have to come back.

At this point, someone with common sense told her that I did indeed have the lone appointment for the day and I was allowed to enter.

However, when the secretary g rabbed a mask and gloves to put on to talk to me up close, I semi lost my shit.

Me: Ma’am- I’ll have you know that I tested negative for the plague. I would not be allowed to enter this building if I had a fever or symptoms. This is a pulmonary office- I am not here to sell you cookies nor did I come to pick up my “good job” certificate.  I’m here today to rule out some real shit so do me a favor- try to remember where you’re working!

Secretary: (Ignoring my speech) We still have to ask you some questions- sorry, its regulations. Have you been anywhere outside the US in the past month?

Me: China.