The other day I contacted a merchant about fixing my dining room chairs; they are made  of a caned.

Anyhow, the conversation went something like this….

Me: Hi, I got your name through an online group and was told you can fix caned back chairs.

Merchant: Oh, I’m glad to hear that! First, I’m going to ask you a few questions….

Me: (Uh-oh)

Merchant: If you look at the chair, does it look like there is a lacing over the top, like a window screen- where it would just sit inside the frame, and screw into the back…. or does it look like it is laced through the chair, as if it is woven like a basket- the kind of baskets you would see in the islands that women make from the bark of palm trees……

Me: (So) It looks like the first kind.

Merchant: OK, I’m gonna ask you another question….

Me: (M.F’er)

Merchant: Is there an overall on top that covers the lacing- so you don’t see the holes that holds the lacing into place or is it a smooth piece of wood, that has an overlay… but the holes are underneath? Because if its that, then we’re talking about a whole bunch of issues. For example, if these chairs have any special meaning to you, like if they’re antique or if they are museum quality…..

Me: (Interrupting) Nope, not special at all.

Merchant: … well if they are top quality and I were to fix them and the overlay did have holes that were 1/4 inch thick and let’s say when the cane is wet its flexible like a trampoline… but when it dries it is supposed to tighten up… but if the quality of chair you have doesn’t hold up and my name is on this product, well then I won’t even do it. I don’t want my name even anywhere on this because its my reputation……

It was somewhere between overlay, inlay, holes and trampoline where I thought, I should have my daughter who has trouble falling asleep at night just talk to this man about the different types of caned back and bottom chairs.

Needless to say, I will just nail in some baking sheets so we can use the fucking chairs because they’re worthless unusable… which is the only point this man should have understood when I called in the first place.