Fart without fear
Urinate without 3 pumps of air freshener
Wipe using less than an entire package of Flushables
Wait to move my bowels
Laugh or Sneeze without putting my legs in a choke hold position
Fall back to sleep after urinating mid-night
Sleep without pushing or pulling the covers to allow my foot to breathe
*Keep my foot (or arm) dangling over the bed because the Boogie Man/Incredible Hulk will grab it
Make a mental note while urinating in the middle of the night without blogging, checking on the kids, or making sure the alarm is on
Travel anywhere without tweezers
Walk past a loaf of bread without gaining weight
Blow my nose without squinching my butt cheeks together
Take pills without using a briefcase sized pill box
Wake up in the morning to dry sheets
Wear polyester to bed
Go all night in the same pajamas without doing a 1980s Barry Manilow Live TV concert costume change
Make an appointment without three sets of alarm reminders
Use deodorant within 9 hours of shaving my pits without a rash
Pluck at the gray hairs in my eyebrows if I want eyebrows
Read small print without cranking my neck back with my eyes in a 15 degree position
Hear helicopters or fireworks without checking Facebook to see if I should be concerned
Listen to anybody talking without interrupting them 20 seconds later to say, I’m not really listening
Feign excitement for others’ nachas
Look at Facebook without the fear of some animal abuse post ruining my scroll
…And see a shadow in the hallway without thinking of every news’ show from the 80s, and how someone could be breaking in to kidnap me.