Things I Can No Longer Do

Fart without fear

Urinate without 3 pumps of air freshener

Wipe using less than an entire package of Flushables

Wait to move my bowels

Laugh or Sneeze without putting my legs in a choke hold position

Fall back to sleep after urinating mid-night

Sleep without pushing or pulling the covers to allow my foot to breathe

*Keep my foot (or arm) dangling over the bed because the Boogie Man/Incredible Hulk will grab it

Make a mental note while urinating in the middle of the night without blogging, checking on the kids, or making sure the alarm is on

Travel anywhere without tweezers

Walk past a loaf of bread without gaining weight

Blow my nose without squinching my butt cheeks together

Take pills without using a briefcase sized pill box

Wake up in the morning to dry sheets

Wear polyester to bed

Go all night in the same pajamas without doing a 1980s Barry Manilow Live TV concert costume change 

Make an appointment without three sets of alarm reminders

Use deodorant within 9 hours of shaving my pits without a rash

Pluck at the gray hairs in my eyebrows if I want eyebrows

Read small print without cranking my neck back with my eyes in a 15 degree position

Hear helicopters or fireworks without checking Facebook to see if I should be concerned

Listen to anybody talking without interrupting them 20 seconds later to say, I’m not really listening

Feign excitement for others’ nachas

Look at Facebook without the fear of some animal abuse post ruining my scroll

…And see a shadow in the hallway without thinking of every news’ show from the 80s, and how someone could be breaking in to kidnap me.

About Lady in Red

mom of 3
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