Let me start off by saying, my husband told me I would not have to get undressed for an exam. In addition, he said that he would do all of the talking and simply said, “don’t worry.” That being said…
Scene 1: Doctor’s Office
Today I had a consult with a social acquaintance- I being the patient and he as the GI doctor. The reason for said consult is because I tried to schedule a colonoscopy and the receptionist insisted that I need to be examined first.
Now, since hubby is knowledgeable in the area of shit, he said he’d go with me to the appointment and blah.
(Standing at the glass window to the receptionist)
Me: Hello, I’m Rochelle for my 3:30…
Lady: OK, that will be a $20 copay
Hubby: (sitting 6 feet away) She doesn’t have a copay for a colonoscopy screening.
Lady: It says here that she has rectal bleeding and is here to be examined.
Me: (Told you so look to hubby- then, whispering to lady) I just said that to get the appointment.
Lady: (WTF look) Take a seat; if we need to bill you, we’ll mail it.
…Moments later, the doctor comes to take me/us back for the consult.
Doc: So how are the kids? Are they going to camp? … I’m going to see mom soon for a meeting tonight….
Me: (Glaring at hubby now) Oh they’re all good.
Hubby: What’s up doc?!
Doc: Hello Husband, good to see you… Now Rochelle, what brings you in today?
Me: (Stepping on hubby’s foot to respond) Well…
Hubby: She’s here because its time to schedule a colonoscopy.
Doc: (Looking at file) Hmm…. I see here that she is only in her mid-40s… she had one ten years ago but all was fine…. You’re not here because your hubby is the world leader in colonoscopies and he’s the reason the age for testing was dropped to 45 and you’re just making sure I follow the law are you?
Me: (Trick question?) Well, yes act…
Hubby: She has rectal bleeding.
Me: (Looking at hubby) …And I have bleeding.
Hubby: But that would be something if the head of this organization’s wife had colorectal cancer and she wasn’t able to be screened because the doctor didn’t feel it was necessary.
Doc: (Panic chuckle) Well, we don’t want that to happen but sometimes its the insurance agencies that …..
Hubby: Our insurance agency covers it.
Doc: But some plans….
Hubby: Not ours; I’ve checked.
Doc: (Back to me) So how often do you have rectal bleeding?
Unsure of how to respond… because too much could lead to an exam and too little could result in a dismissal.
Me: I have it a lot.
Doc: How often, each time you move your bowels?
Doc: So for the past 10 years you’ve continued to have rectal bleeding?
Me: No… but I have it lately.
Doc: And how often do you move your bowels?
Me: (Looking at hubby; sweating) Um… every two days I think?
Doc: And are you straining?
Me: (Stepping on hubby; looking for help) Sometimes. Like, when I have to go, I really have to go.
Hubby: I’m going to be sick.
Me: (Heels digging into hubby)
Doc: And what have you tried for the constipation?
Me: (Spiraling out of control) Baby wipes; I use baby wipes.
Doc: OK, that’s good. I think what I’m going to do is have to examine you and we can see what’s going on.
End Scene 1.
Scene 2: Hubby’s Murder.