The other day I was sitting on the toilet- halfway done when I realized I needed to multi task. Sadly, with only my portable home phone in my hand, I started to see if there were any numbers saved in the phone’s Phone Book. …There were no names stored! Next, I started scrolling through the Call Log and only saw my mother’s home and cell, spread out amongst Purple Heart and Spam.

Having already called my mother, I was desperate to call my friend Sue. Unfortunately, we became friends after Y2K- meaning: I couldn’t even tell you the area code. And then it hit me- I don’t even know my own daughter’s number… nor my mother’s! The only reason I was able to try her was because of the Call Log that had yet to be deleted!

How on earth did I let this happen?? I can call the pizza place we used to use when I was in 5th grade… or I could call my dead grandparents’ apartment from 30 years prior, but I have no clue how to call anybody post iPhone era.

While pondering the sadness of not being able to call my current posse, I decided that we needed to bring back the Operator. Now, hear me out- my grandfather used to call “time” to find out what time it was… like a year ago this shit was still in existence. At the time I thought it was nuts because he was wearing a watch – although to his credit he wanted “the correct” time; but in actuality, he was genius! In his day, the Operator would connect you just by the person’s name!

Therefore, I feel is it imperative that we bring back Bell Telephone Operators for today’s idiots- myself included- so that nobody ever has to feel the fear and panic that I did whilst stranded on the twa-let.