Bippity, Boppity, Boop

From the moment my offspring were able to not spit up whilst in tummy time, I’ve always used the medical terms for private parts. I’m not really sure why I chose to be so direct- it could be because once my mother told me how while driving my sister and her friends (age 5?) from school, my sister corrected the other girl by saying, “babies don’t come from your stomach- they come from your vagina” …which put my mother on the McCarthyism list…. or if it was the fact that hearing adults use “baby talk” for penis and vagina make me ill.

In any event, the other day I was picking my daughter up early from a friend’s house because she was surfing the Crimson Tide and was too embarrassed to ask for a pad. This triggered an internal discussion in my perimeno/pre-dimentia brain as to whether or not I had ever had the birds and the bees talk. Not sure if I ever really did sit her down and tell her how babies were made, I chose the comfort of the rearview mirror for such discussion.

Me: So, you need to install that app so you know when you’re going to get your period or always carry pads with you.

Kid: I know.

Me: It comes every month, you have to be on top of this.

Kid: Fine.

Me: …You know, this means you’re very fertile.

Kid: (bell’s-palsying her face)

Me: This means you can get pregnant very easily.

Kid: Mom!

Me: That if a boy put his he-he near your eh-eh you could get pregnant.

Kid: Stop it!

Me: I mean, if he played hide the sausage in your patty, you could make a baby.

Kid: Please stop! I’m going to throw up! Just stop already!

Me: I just want you to understand that if a boy’s pickle went in your container, you would get pregnant- that is how fertile you are and should always carry a pad.

…Aside from the fact that she immediately locked herself in her room the moment I “parked my car in the garage,” I’d say our talk was pretty direct.


About Lady in Red

mom of 3
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