Yesterday I had the pleasure of going to a new family doctor- recommended by my new WebMd... the local community on Facebook. The wait- which was my reason for seeking a new doctor, was minimal at best.
First, I was greeted by what I assume was the assistant to the CNA (ACNA)- due to the fact that she clearly was legally blind. Shortly after “I won’t tell you your weight, I’ll just write it display size on the expressway,” the overly? thorough doctor entered the room.
Naturally she ran through each question which was on the new patient medical form that I had spent two weeks filling out prior to the visit, but I digress. Next, she moved onto every cut and scrape from my family tree that I knew…(*put a pin in that).
Finally, it was my favorite part of the interrogation, the list of hereditary abnormalities and dysfunctions. Now, I love when the first question is, “does anybody in your family have heart disease?” because I have to go back to 1982 when my grandfather had his Vangina attack. That question usually leads into other familial diseases…. (*put a pin in that).
Lastly, it was my all-time favorite, “Does anybody have any Depression or Anxiety?” question that never seems to fail me later on during these visits.
“Nope and nope,” was all I said.
Moving down the list of, you’ll need lab-work on this and this, she came to the lists of medications I was taking.
Note, this was a new doctor and not within the convenient medical system where she could have seen all this on my medical resume, so I started listing them. Thankfully, there was minimal questioning there and we were nearly ready for the reason of this visit in the first place, an annual physical.
Dr.: Hmmm, I see from your recent visit to the cardiologist that you’re slightly anemic- were you aware of that?
Me: I think so… but I know I was told to take B12.
Dr.: Hmmm, you could probably get that in a multi-vitamin, how about….
Me: Oh, I have multi-vitamins, I just don’t take them-lazy.
Dr.: Your stress test shows that you also have an abnormal EKG… hmmm.
Me: I think they said it was probably normal for me- but I never heard back from the cardiologist so I assume no news is good news.
Dr.: Hmmm. Well, there’s a bell curve and you’re not anywhere near it- an outlier of sorts. …I always say, no news is no news.
*(Enter, the worrying)
Thankfully, my blood pressure was semi normal, 100 over something when ACNA started her routine, because when it was time for the “I’m just going to look in your ears now,” portion of the physical, things started to take a turn.
Dr.: I’m just going to feel your thyroid.
Me: (Shuddering from anyone touching the bony area of anything on me)
Dr.: Why don’t you lay back… it will be easier. …. Hmmm.
Me: *(Phase 2 of the worrying)
Dr.: You have a little nodule there… maybe a fatty tissue. I’m sure it’s normal but I will write you a script for a radiologist to give you an ultra sound.
Me: And then what?
Dr. Downhill: Well, if they see anything then they would biopsy it and you’d go to an endocrinologist if you had to. I’m sure with your family having Thyroid diseases they’ll have someone. …But I’m not worried at all; I’m sure its nothing.
Me: You did see I am taking anxiety medication…so now I’ll worry.
Dr.: I’m sure its a tissue or something; please, don’t worry. I’ll have your scripts for you up front. It was nice to meet you and …. honestly, I’m not worried.
Now, I don’t know if there is a disconnect between the multiple drugs I’m taking and their milligram levels to those in charge who’ve had 18 years of study, but even a schmuck would know to watch their words in the medical forum. …So now my stay-cay begins with blood work, another doctor for seniors, and a trip to my dealer/shrink.