“You Look Great! What’s Your Secret?”

…My secret?

If you look at the time stamp you’ll see I can’t sleep. That my friend, Hem O. Rrhoid wakes me up from a shallow sleep in order to put a load of my husband’s prescription shrinking cream (Gd forbid I add another script to my name) between my ass so that the burn goes away from over wiping my inconsistent bouts in the bathroom from having  to strain the 10 lbs of broccoli slaw I eat in lieu of lettuce because everything induces weight gain-

…That I can’t remember a thing anymore- including if I took my happy pills, which by the way could have even floated the Titanic.

…If I don’t spin ever so slowly in a 360 degree rotation holding my magnifying mirror in the correct amount of sunlight then the hair on my chin will stab someone in the eye since I need to be up close and personal to see anything clearly.

…Sneezing incites major anxiety in me because I can’t hold urine and farts in- although lately Hem handles the latter.

…I use enough Vaseline on my hands and feet that I could probably squeeze between that “rock and a hard place,” just so I don’t cut anybody next to me while I sleep.

…It takes me almost 15 minutes to do my daily “hide the circles” routine which often causes me to look- as I was once told by a dear friend, like her “80 year old grandmother” with the clownish make up I apply that if I had more light to see (or could see) I wouldn’t be known as the “fun teacher.”

…I dress in layers because simply moving (or not) gives me hot flashes.

…And I hop between my colorists so that they don’t know my roots grown in faster than the hair on my chin.

What’s your secret?

About Lady in Red

mom of 3
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