The day after Hurrican Sandy made landfall, my cellphone rang and it was our resident landscaper. He called to “check in” and see if we were OK.

So I’ve updated his job description to this:

1. Must provide all maintenance needs outdoors.

2. Must prune hedges.

3. Must praise children when riding bikes well.

4. Must ensure safety of children in the front yard while working on weeds.

5. Must provide wife (me) with updated travel schedule of hubby at least 24 hours in advance.

6. Must use Guest entrance from now on at front door.

7. Should call housephone after 9am on weekends and cellphones between 10am-12am.

8. Must smoke at least 10 packs a day on site and be willing to pocket remains.