A while back, when shopping for Mother’s Day cards, I saw a group of women and men rifling through the remaining cards. Some stood motionless, while others would reread the cards they previously put back, to see if something rang true.
Being one who likes to say what’s on other people’s minds, I asked if anyone picked up a card that read:
Happy Mother’s Day- I’d have bought you that scarf you wanted, but I spent all my money in therapy talking about you.
Since they found that humorous, I decided to “make up” more cards for sale. Here they are:
Happy Father’s Day- Thank you for always making us healthy meals, keeping us clean and safe and nurturing our minds. Oh wait, this card’s for mom. Thanks for giving me money to buy mom a card today.
Happy Father’s Day- Even though you do nothing all day every day, enjoy being able to officially fart around.
Happy Birthday- What do you get the gal who has everything? Nothing. I’m going green this year so please hand me back the card.
Happy Birthday. I’d have looked for another card that had all the gushy stuff inside you’d probably want to get, but then I thought, you’d know all the other cards were taken so, happy birthday.
Get Well– Hope you’re feeling better soon; I’m tired of working all day and then schlepping to the hospital to see you.
Heard you were sick. Hope its not contagious.
Get well fast! …Or don’t; we could really use the money.
Congratulations- Great job on finishing school! Your mother and I debated on how long it would take you and we’re proud you did it while we are still speaking.
Heard you got a new job! Good luck. Try not to fuck it up this time.
Mazel Tov on your new home! Hope this one is in your name only this time.
Wedding- Yeah, you’re getting married! I’d say “hope you’ll remain as happy as you are today,” but I heard you’re due in five months. Well, good luck.
To the bride and groom! Clearly you two don’t hear very well so here it goes: if you’re married under one year, this can be annulled at no added cost.
These cards in no way reflect how I feel about my loved ones.