Dumb De Dumber

The hits don’t stop at the nail salon! Apparently I thought my son’s Bar Mitzvah was at 6:30 pm (because I vacillated between that and 7:00 pm) and decided to have my invitations printed.

Had it not been for all of my vendors suddenly reaching out to me to see WTH I’m planning, I would have had guests at the location, while they’re still cleaning out from their event prior to mine.

Needless to say, getting the walkers has made me instantly senile.

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Dumb De Dumb

I received a gift card to a nail salon in the area. I’d never heard of it- other than it was new.

Now, in my mind, it was called Elite Nails. (I took the Elite from my housekeeper’s company and just ran with it). So, I look up Elite nails and don’t see that name, but see Elise. Close enough.

I get there, it’s brand new! Everything is spacious and clean- and since I knew 9/10 people spaced throughout the place, I figured this must be special.

Ps: I’m ready to pay and I pull out my gift certificate- oblivious to the name on the envelope.

The nail person takes it, studies it, looks at me and says, “we can’t take this.”

Stunned, I asked why.

Apparently I randomly thought of the name to the salon where my cert was from…because mine was for a place called, Top Coat.

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Tired & Weak

I get very tired, very easily. Case in point: Hubby and I went to Costco to buy our son a mattress. Mattresses are immediately when you walk in, along the wall.

The day I stop caring about filth… there is a problem
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One Major Thing I Forgot…

Humidity. My hair likes to carry on a wave in the heat. Now, Jane lived in California and her hair was always straight… but I have Jewish hair. It’s not kinky, but it comes with some tude.

OMFG!
WHAT HAVE I DONE!

Needless to say, this hair plus my walker, makes for a lovely combination.

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Bye-Bye Blonde

I couldn’t take it. My hair was straggly and looked like hair that you would clean from a used brush, just straight.

At first, my daughter cut it but that did not help. So, I went to the salon and finally did the style I’d thought of for a long time….

Yes, that’s Jane

Definitely no Jane
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Faker

When the flight landed and I was stuck knee-standing in my window seat, waiting for the fronters to get the hell off, Lisa was staring directly at me. Naturally, I pretended I had no peripheral sight until she tapped me on the shoulder.

Loud Mouth Lisa: You know, I am sorry if I offended you so much you had to yell at me. I pray you get healed and enjoy your time in Flada.

Me: (Hmm) (head nod)

…Meanwhile, when it is my row, I hightail it out of there and find my mother and walker waiting for me. It was going to be a few more minutes until the wheel chair would arrive to take me to baggage claim.

That meant that I would be seeing LML walk off the plane. …And when she did, she made a b-line towards me and said…

LML: (handing me my hem seat) You forgot this- I hope you really do get better.

Mother: (awww) That is so kind of you; thank you!

Me: (see below)

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…Also When You’re Stage 4, You Can Say Anything

I get onto the plane with the alte kakers, take my seat in the middle… the others file in behind me and it appears that I may get the window seat or the row next to me if nobody else were to come onto the flight.

Then, I see the last of the stragglers, but one of them walks past my row and stops at the aisle behind me.

I could hear the “is it alright if I sit next to my wife and give you my aisle seat? It would be a win win for the both of us…”

From there, the lucky aisle recipient (aka: shut the fuck up already Lisa) continued the pleasantries all the way until Georgia, when I LMFS.

Me: (turning around, sticking my mask through the seat; taking out my noise canceling airpods) Do you think you could stop talking to them for one minute?

Her: (stunned)

Me: (pointing to Airpods) These can’t cancel you out any further and I cannot sit and listen to your yip yapping bullshit a second longer! I am a sick woman! (in the head)

Her: (patronizing me) I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was talking loudly, you could have asked me nicely…

Me: You just don’t shut up! Bla blitty bla bla bla…. They don’t care that you are engaged and getting married in two years and that you are in real estate supporting yourself at the age of 25 (I call bullshit) after working in finance… they just got married and I’m sure don’t want to hear you either! On and on and on… stop flirting with the man and read a book like everyone else on the plane, but just stop talking!

…So either way, I could never have moved across the aisle or she’d be staring diagonally at my feet for the rest of the flight.

She’s to my left
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You Have Got To Be Kidding

My biggest fear of flying was my legs swelling and me getting a blood clot. Thus, I wore my 20-30 compression socks and did my best to wiggle my piggies every so often.

I was fortunate to not have someone in the window seat, so I moved to that spot.

Before the flight took off, I noticed the entire row was empty! I was going to quickly get up and move to that row, until I noticed someone else quickly claim it.

Fast forward, I am beginning to think my legs should be elevated, so I placed my carry on under the middle seat and tried to place my ass as far up to the window as possible. To no avail, the bag would only reach my calves and not feet.

Meanwhile, across the row…

Wiggling of toes in blue sock

Better view blue sock

Needless to say, this healthy, old man put both his legs up, took off his shoes and wiggled his GD-feet.

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The Answer

I chose the pills. But the thing is, I am finally away! I can never get away because I am always at a doctor’s appointment or getting chemo. I could only go after a scan and a treatment, so time is limited.

Currently I am in sunny Flada and the weather has finally warmed up! I was going to start the fourteen day cycle of pills and avoid the sun and alcohol (and no, I don’t really drink but its the principle) but then I thought, when do I ever get to be Hans Solo in SOBE? So, I’ll wait until I return… and just take them during chemo…this way, I can ascertain lava from my ass (which btw has a set of testicles again).

…Besides, I shouldn’t be taking the steroids while on antibiotics… because this ole lady has her third UTI in one month, thank you very much. And, as one may know… with UTIs one can neither swim nor be in the sun, so move over testes and take that up the ass!

Well, there you have it! I would rather shit urine than be in some see through coffin getting pumped up with oxygen on steroids… that is, after I return from stellar vacation watching TV inside.

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The Girl With The Left Foot

Well, if there is a 1% chance of something going wrong… we can all rest assured it will happen to me.

During my stereotactic radiation, I didn’t move, yet somehow… the beams managed to damage several areas on my spine, causing swelling. Now, I found out about the swelling via an MRI and the only reason I got the MRI is because I was falling.

Now, sadly enough, I knew I was not falling from a brain tumor… as I did two years ago. The first time I fell down the last four of my stairs out of nowhere. There wasn’t a warning; I didn’t feel any twitching.

At first, I thought I may have skipped the step but hours later, I tripped again, this time going up. To make a long story short, my left leg has zero strength from the swelling.

After the doctors consulted with a medical review team, I was given two options for trying to get this under control.

The first choice is to take a very high dose of steroids for two weeks and pray for no horrific side effects. The second choice is to spend one and a half hours a day for forty (say what?) days in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber with the hopes that the insanely high dose of oxygen will heal my back.

So… which do you think I chose?

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