ABC NEWS LIVE- Hurricane Ian

I just cannot stand idiots; between the shmucks who thought they could weather the storm or the newscasters.

This evening, while I prefer to remain ignorant to news, hubby had it on. Despite trying not to listen, I simply couldn’t stop.

Reporter: What was going through your head when the governor told you to evacuate?

Shmuck: I thought, well… I’ve weathered storms before so I can handle this one.

Reporter: How is this storm different?

Shmuck: Well, the water just came so fast, so un-expectantly.

Now, even having little knowledge of this hurricane, fine, no knowledge of it and I had to ask my son the name of it, if I am told to evacuate: I’m out.

….. The second interviewee….

Reporter: Did you have any damage to your house?

Woman: (Spanish speaking) Yes, lots of it,

Reporter: Well, at least you’re all okay; isn’t that what matters?

Me: Nope and Fuck you for assuming my things mean nothing.

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Homey Say What?!

First, just allow me to say that the nurse that called out my weight when I was facing backwards, is so afraid of me. Even if I ask, “how many pounds did I lose this week?” he won’t budge. In fact, when he sees he has to weigh me, he always tries to find Martha, the other nurse.

K. So what did I just say about losing weight? Well, after I got over the spoken loudly (fine, spoken to me) number, I decided I would try to watch what I ate. Every time I would meet with my onc, she was worried that I was sick. Losing weight is a bad thing when you have cancer because it’s a sign of cancer.

In any case, each week she would say how great I looked and tell me the weight loss digits. Should inquiring minds know, I went from 158-132 (I can’t do the math so you can) from mid-June til Sept. 28th. Just bam, set my mind, gave up anything I enjoyed and voila! Now, occasionally I will have ice-cream or challah…

Moving on, I’m feel good bla bla bla and then I made the mistake to sober up and ask a question. *Questions are rarely good for me, my fragile state of mind and me.

Onc: So, today you will have your bone shot and this drug and that drug.

Me: I was thinking, about how long has your longest patient been on chemo?

Onc: (Pause)

Me: (Fuck she paused)

Onc: I had someone on it for four years.

Me: (Phewww) Oh that’s good. And why did she stop at four?

Onc: (Pause)

Me: (Dumb fuck! Next question!)

Onc: Well at some point it became too much for her body…

Me: (Rocking in my mind) What do you mean?

Onc: Well her lungs filled up with some stuff and…

Me: (Homey say what?!) Well then what did she go on next? Did you put her on a TKI?

Onc: (Pause. Pause)

Me: (Dumb founded)

Onc: (Tears in her eyes) You will beat the odds.

Bubbie: Rochelle, you wanted to make it to 50 and you will!! Just make another milestone.

And then I was sent back to be with my compadres who ….

  1. look like death simply because of their shoes/wheelchairs/sweaters/hair/aids
  2. Don’t have what I have and are well into their 80s.

Needless to say, I was finally able to muster up the energy to eye pull the young nurse, when I saw Judy was making a b-line for my port.

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Twinsies

The other evening at back-to-school night for my two eldest children, the teacher began her schpiel about their current activity: family trees.

However, it’s not about who was your great-grandmother on your maternal side! It was about who had (there was a list of illnesses) what.

Anyhow, my eldest had barged into our bathroom to ask us each if anyone had Heart Disease or Thyroid…. the list goes on.

So I’m sitting in this school presentation- hours after having chemo. Now, most times I am a-ok afterward and occasionally I will feel nauseated.

Teacher: Your children are really wonderful. We’ve been working on this project and I know that some of the children were afraid to share their families’ illnesses, but I told them, I understand; my father had high cholesterol.

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WaWa

The other day I needed to do some errands- but first, a pit stop to WaWa. With my gals in tow, we headed inside to pick up a few things.

My eldest got cheese and grapes, my middle bought gum and I took my free coffee. It was then off to the vehicle to begin our day.

*Things to note: we were in close contact of one another, being inside the car. None of us are very patient when it comes to bodily functions.

Me: (Balancing coffee cup sans lid) Buckle up…

Kid 1: (Opens up the cheese and grapes) Wait a sec’ so I don’t spill.

Kid 2: (Unwraps her chewing gum)

Me: (Beginning to sip hot coffee; blows on hot coffee)

Kid 2: (Begins to chews three pieces)

Kid 1: (Bites into a big grape)

…A few sips in, Kid 1’s chomping woke me from the steam-zone. No longer enjoying my brew due to the swallowing noises, I began to sip louder -while staring at her moving face. Meanwhile, my gum chewer in the back was chewing and nasallly breathing at the same time.

The more I stared while blow-sipping, the more kid 1 sensed my swallow. A very loud swallow- just enough for her eyes to move from her cheese and grapes, to my eyes.

Together, without breaking eye contact, she chewed her bouncy-ball grapes while I blew and slurped. It was as if she were taunting me to flip out.

Noticing the impending brawl, my gum smacker in the back decided to blow a thin bubble.

Needless to say, we went immediately home…in silence.

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Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

Last week began the migration to the new office space. An email from our boss came out that “nobody should choose a desk, until all your space mates arrive.”

Sounded appropriate. Wise, in fact.

However, the folks in my suite heard differently, for when I arrived, one (refraining here) lady had unpacked all but her underwear and placed another’s boxes at a desk.

*Now, I admit, I am not always a follower of rules…. at times. As the new employee though, I adhere to rules at all times. Therefore, upon seeing the situation of the unpacking prior to all in attendance, I was (to say the very least) perturbed.

When all my mates where accounted for, I waited for the others to choose and then decided that the best location for me would be where the “boxes” were.

*Things to note: I need to keep a scooter plugged in and hoped to keep it out of all’s way.

**These new mates don’t know my struggles are real.

Me: Who’s boxes are these?

B: Those are x’s.

Me: Where is she?

B: She’ll be here next week.

Me: (MF) I’m going to sit here then.

B: She would like to sit there.

Me: She was not supposed to pick until we all were here.

B: Okay… so you should email her to tell her.

*Things to know about me: Don’t tell me what to do (ever). Don’t assume because I may look new, that I am. I’ve worked at the company for 23 years and that woman is the new one.

Me: Naw, I don’t think I have to.

B: It’s the right thing to do.

*My patience is depleted when others imply they know best.

Me: Nah, she’ll find another.

B: Just email a heads up.

Me: DID SHE EMAIL ME AND TELL ME SHE WAS CHOOSING THIS ONE!

Needless to say, I don’t foresee anymore issues coming my way from anyone.

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LOOK AROUND, LOOK AROUND…

Once again, I had to take my lenses to the optical shop for a readjustment.

I repeat: I had to take my lenses to the optical shop. Not the DMV, not the Post Office, not the hospital, not a doctor’s office…. I had to take them to a store selling/repairing glasses. …A different connotation than trying to meet with the Dean of Students.

Woman with Stick Up Her: Hello.

Me: Hi, I need to get my glasses readjusted again.

Biatch: Do you have an appointment?

It was at this moment where I thought my head would spin round like a Carousel.

Me: I’m sure this will only take a moment.

Lady: It’s just that we’ve started to go by appointments.

…Now, this place is never busy. In fact, I’m the only person that I see… who doesn’t work there. And to show you that I’m not making this shit up….

I guess she wants to schedule appointments so that she knows when she can go on break…

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When Then?

My mother and I were talking about when is a good time to die, since I was about to have chemo and then drive to Jersey for a Shiva.

She was concerned for me running around post chemo. So, I came up with plausible times one could die without the inconvenience. For example, Labor Day weekend would be on the cusp of not acceptable but yet doable… with most being inconvenienced for having to give up a long weekend at the shore.

Therefore, here are some of the more appropriate times one (thinking significant family member) could die, where the survivors would be less inconvenienced.

  1. The week in between schools ending and camp beginning.
  2. The three weeks between camp ending and schools beginning.
  3. The Wednesday-Friday of Halloween week.
  4. During spring break (unless you have college age children)
  5. The month of May- barring Memorial Day week (unless they died Thursday before 12pm)

Again, those are just a few that I’ve thought of off the top of my head, otherwise the attendees will be the ones dropping the casket in the grave.

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She’s Rubber, I’m Glue

The other day en route to the geriatric center, my mother and I were talking about her cousin and how she could have possibly died (48 hours earlier). She was only eighteen months older than my mother and had been health conscious from day one.

Although I found out after the fact that she had previously had a stroke, I kept thinking: heart attack. My cousin had told me her mom had not been feeling well for a few days and that evening, would have taken her to the hospital.

In any event…

Me: You should see a cardiologist.

Mother: I don’t have heart issues.

Me: How do you know?

Mother: For one, I don’t have high blood pressure.

Me: There could be blockage that you don’t know about.

Mother: I don’t have plaque.

Me: (noticing I’m feeling nauseated) I have plenty of doctors in my Roladex for you; I think you should go. …By the way, in case I forget, I’m feeling a little nauseated so if I still am after the chemo, it wasn’t the chemo.

Fast forward to my consult with my onc.

Onc: I’m a little concerned with your blood pressure; 160/95.

Mother: (looks at me) Maybe you should see the cardiologist.

…So, since nausea is a symptom of a heart attack… my week will include a trip to my cardiologist.

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Dead. Dead?

My eldest is always asking for another pet, We’ve had guinea pigs, hamsters, birds… and of course, dogs.

Anyhow, she had this hamster and right before she came home from camp, I was cleaning its cage when it bit me.

Now, not sure why I was the foreman in charge of cleaning and replacing hamster bedding, but I was.

While holding the animal, it bit me and my brain said: fling it off.

Thus, I flung it to get its teeth to release from my skin and it hit the wall, then fell.

Dead. So sad, but it bit me.

Shortly after that incident and prior to her coming home, I bought another. A few days later while checking on it…., he too was dead.

Flash forward to today. My daughter and I were watching TikTok; we were scrolling through the feeds. Suddenly, one feed came on about hamsters… and how sometimes they look like they’re dead when they’re in hiberfuckingnation.

Needless to say, bonding time was over.

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Audacity

Going into a public setting and talking on your cell as if you’re in the privacy of your own home.

I don’t know about you, but I go into public settings (doctor’s offices, Target, whatnot) as if I am a part of the witness protection program- head down, eyes down… phone is on silent.. and do my biz.

Case in point: I went to get my nails done. My head is down and my nails are being painted. Neither the manicurist nor my eyes meet. We know that the next 30 minutes will be in silence. For me, that’s just fine; plenty of time to contemplate death.

But in walks someone (loud woman) and within moments I know the topic of discussion and the opposing person’s thoughts.

#NO.

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